It had been one of those nights.
Little man had woken up four or five times. We were coming off his first cold and his sleep schedule was a wreck. The easiest way to get him back to sleep {and me back to bed} the quickest was to let him nurse. I knew it wasn’t the ideal or sustainable solution, but it worked in the moment.
As morning came, I was exhausted and running on empty (literally and figuratively). But, it was Saturday morning – brunch morning! We got everyone dressed and loaded up to head to one of our favorite spots downtown.
We found a little table tucked in the corner and played the how-long-do-we-have-until-he-loses-it game. He usually sat happily in high chairs and nibbled on Cheerios, but I think we always had the expectation that melt down could happen at any moment! First time parent thing?
Brunch was delicious as always and the coffee was a sweet elixir for my tired brain. I loved moments like this with my boys. And I was always so proud for still getting out with a baby in tow to enjoy our weekends.
But, I let my mind wander as I caught a glimpse of the young woman sitting at the table across from us.
About 5 or 6 years younger than me, she sat at a table by herself with coffee, a Bible, a journal and headphones.
As I sat on edge and tried to hide my exhaustion, she looked so refreshed and at peace.
“Oh how I would love to be in her shoes right now. Time to myself. Time to actually read a book and not fall asleep, let alone my Bible. And hot coffee. Fresh, hot coffee.”
My thoughts went on as I tried to remember the last time I had a full night’s sleep, hoping she knew how good she had it!
We finished our delicious food and cleaned up as best we could to hide the evidence that a baby had been at the table.
On the car ride home, we chatted about the rest of the day and what we wanted to do together.
I thought back to the young woman at the table and it hit me.
As I longed to jump into her life for a day – she very well could have been watching us and longing to jump into mine.
Why?
Because 5 or 6 years ago, I was her.
Most of my friends were married or dating, having babies and creating sweet family memories. I was single and doing my own thing, which I can honestly say I made the most of, but – I dreamt of the day that going out to brunch with my husband and baby was just part of our routine.
I remember praying my heart out every day for God to send me a man who loved Him and adored me. For the opportunity to be a stay-at-home-mom and snap a million pictures of my babies and not have to clock in at an office job.
Just 5 years ago, I so badly wanted to be sitting at the table as the woman with the built-in brunch dates.
And here I was now – living out my answered prayer.
This is probably the point where most articles and blogs will shift gears to tell you the cliche…
“And that’s why it’s so important to choose joy”
“See, you just have to focus on your blessings”
And, “I learned firsthand that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side.”
I’m not going to tell you those things, because I’m pretty darn sure you already know them. And, we all experience enough mom guilt without some random blog piling on more.
This is a real space. With real emotions.
Those feelings of tiredness and exhaustion and needing some “me” time were real feelings (and they still are today!) They’re not a sign of weakness or ungratefulness or matter of heart.
It was just a matter of perspective.
If I were an illustrator, I would turn my perspective experience into a cartoon like the one above. A family of three at one table and a single woman at another. A word bubble above each of their heads reading “She’s so lucky…” But alas! I am not, so the land and boat visual will suffice.
So here’s the thing. No matter what season I find myself in in the future, I know at one point or another I’m going to have a similar experience.
When we have more kids, I will look at the young parents with only one fresh baby and wonder if they know how easy they have it and they’ll look at me wishing they were out of the newborn trenches.
With roaring teenagers, I’ll pray to just get them off to college while my friend who just sent her baby off to an out-of-state school longs for more chaos in the house.
One day I’ll be the empty nester at bible study sitting across from the first time mom who just poured her heart out about postpartum anxiety. While she secretly envies my ability to go out to lunch with a friend, I’ll wish my babies were still small enough to rock to sleep.
The list goes on.
You can have feelings. And you can have moments of frustration or despair.
You can also have awareness of your perspective on the situation.
Perspective isn’t some magical switch that gives you a sudden boost of energy and allows you to never wish yourself into some else’s shoes again. But, it allows to see the goodness of the situation without discounting your raw feelings. It let’s you say “Hey, ok. This is the season God has me in and I’m going to rock it today and I’m going to glean all I can from these experiences that will one day be sweet memories.”
Yes, even the 3am feedings will one day be sweet memories.
Next time you find yourself in the midst of “a moment”, take a few minutes to remember the “Land!” “Boat!” illustration. You may be living out your own answered prayer. Realize it. Have a quick laugh. And say a good “Thanks, God!”
We can remember the past and we can envision the future, but we can only LIVE in the present. The present is the sweet spot where we get to realize those answered prayers.
There’s not enough caffeine in an entire large Chick-Fil-A unsweet iced tea to keep me awake today (I know, because I just drank one while writing this post.) So, I’ll just pour myself a cup of cold brew while I make dinner and mind my step through the maze of pots and pans Emery pulled out of the cabinet for drum practice.
One day, I’ll have spotless floors and a tug on my heart for a little more chaos.
Today, I’ll just embrace the chaos.
