My husband and I recently attended a wedding at the same venue where we were married three and a half years ago. What a sweet experience to revisit the spot where we said “I do” – this time with our precious two year old in tow. It held all of the emotions you would expect!
We captured a photo of the three of us in the same spot that we exchanged vows and became husband and wife.
1,233 days separate these two photos. Days of laughter, joy, tears, fear, miscommunication, teamwork, thrilling moments, too many Netflix filled evenings to count and LOTS of prayer.
In a bridal luncheon card to the bride this weekend, I took it upon myself to offer three points of unsolicited marriage advice. Heartfelt yet humorous, I believe these pieces are valuable to couples in all seasons.
I added to the original list of three… and I’m sure it will continue to grow as we face new trials, stumbling blocks and joys in years to come.
1. Pray first.
This is a big one and something I often have to remind myself of – or wish I had remembered! Before you bring up a touchy subject, a request or a suggestion, pray over it first. Always, always, always. We all have things that sometimes bother us or ideas for how our spouse could improve in a certain area – maybe financial management, health or other relationships. But, the best filter is the prayer filter that helps us determine if a comment is really worth being said.
2. Don’t “talk” on an empty stomach.
Now if you’ve done #1 and still need to “talk”, FEED HIM! Ladies, take my word for it. Words do not stick to an empty stomach. They don’t get digested and they don’t get remembered. After a good meal (and that good prayer), approach the subject kindly and lightly. You’ll be setting yourself up for a sweet dessert! (Read into that all you want.)
3. Let him help.
I learned this early in marriage and especially motherhood. There is always a to-do list, so help has become a very welcome thing! As women, we all have “our way” of doing things – be that folding the laundry, organizing the pantry or making the bed. At the end of the day, I’d much rather have a made bed with a few pillows out of order, towels folded in half instead of thirds and the canned goods on a different shelf, than all those chores left undone for me to do on my own. I’ve learned to take my husband’s help when he offers and not complain when its done a little differently than I would usually do it. If you complain about it enough times, chances are he’ll stop offering.
4. Throw out the idea of “nice” towels vs. useable towels.
Same goes for pillows, blankets, cloth napkins, etc. Men are about form and function. They are going to use things as their intended function – not stop and wonder if its useable or reserved for Instagram-worthy photos. In our house, all towels are now useable towels. (I say “now” because I had to learn this one!) Its a towel – you can wash it!
5. Put away the crystal ball.
Despite our powerful female intuition, we are not mind readers. Sorry ladies, we really aren’t. Assuming and believing we know what they are thinking will do no good in creating a marriage based on transparency and communication. Those spirals of ungrounded fears and assumptions (yea, we all let our minds wander) are completely preventable! Likewise, remember our husbands are not mind readers either. We cannot assume they have read between the lines or deciphered our passive hints. If we need them to know something or have certain expectations, we must communicate.
6. No “buts” or “ifs” about it.
Two phrases we don’t use in our home: “I love you but…” and “If you loved me…” Love is love, there should be no “but” – not even the passive, slightly in jest “but.” And why put your husband’s love to the test!? Starting a sentence with “If you loved me…” implies he doesn’t love you unless he follows through with the request. We all know the spiral that phrase would send us into if the roles were reversed…
And most importantly:
7. Marriage is the easy part.
Leading up to our Big Day, I heard time and again “Just know, marriage is hard.” Like allll the time. From people who knew us well and total strangers who learned of our engagement.
As a woman who was excited beyond words to step into the role of “wife”, those words weren’t exactly encouraging.
Thankfully, I’m stubborn and independent (something my husband learned early on.) We didn’t let their warning affect the way we settled into our union.
Three and a half years later, I see why people would make the statement – but, I still don’t buy it. Though my husband and I have had our fair share of “intense fellowship” moments (as our pastor calls it), I am certain that marriage is not the hard part.
Marriage is the easy part.
Marriage, as God designed it to be, is a perfect and beautiful covenant that equips a husband and wife for the joys, trials and adversity of this world.
Choosing to put another before yourself, serving selflessly, loving “because of”, putting your marriage first and humbly recognizing and addressing the sin in your own life – that’s the hard part.
In the day-to-day life of two completely imperfect people, the underlying issues get convoluted and the easiest culprit for the arguments, tears and frustration is the marriage itself.
Marriage is the breath of fresh air. The unconditional love. The safe place. The happy place. Marriage is the closest earthly glimpse we get of God’s incredible love for the church. When you love your husband with that in mind, it changes everything.
Love changes over time.
As I look at the two pictures above, my heart leaps with a love for my husband. On our wedding day it was a love filled with butterflies and excitement to enter into the next chapter of life hand in hand. Expectation of the adventures and memories to come.
The most recent picture is a love filled with gratitude. Gratitude for the way he loves and serves our family. Gratitude for all the moments he’s put up with my hormones and hair-brained ideas. And gratitude that we’re working on year 4, and not year one!
With every day that passes we gain a deeper understanding of how to better love the other, how to say “no” to seemingly good things in order to protect our family and how to honor the Lord through our marriage.
Now we still have areas that need some scrubbing (namely my hoarding and how to DIY together), but I’ll share those lessons once I learn them myself 😉
Which number resonates most with you? I’d love to hear your thoughts!
“Our marriages are meant to be statements of wonder to the watching world! Statements of the goodness, the power, and the beauty of God.”
– Barbara Rainey, Letters to my Daughters: The Art of Being a Wife
