A few months ago, Emery and I arrived at the park early one morning. We had his favorite playground all to ourselves to run, jump and do our own thing.
About 30 minutes later, a couple moms showed up with their kids. Then another. And another. As each arrived, we gave a polite smile and “hey there” plus a few obligatory questions.
“How old is he?” “18 months, yours?”
“Do you live around here?” “Maple Street, you?”
You know, the usual “mom dating” questions. But for the most part, we all kept to ourselves.
The kids all played independently. Some quiet and cautious. Others (like mine) loud and reminiscent of a deflating balloon darting every which way as you let the air out.
Some moms stayed within an arm’s reach of her child at all times. Others sat on the bench and watched from a distance.
Some had their cameras at the ready to snap all the Kodak moments. Others scrolled with one hand and held a coffee with the other.
Some moms looked around apologetically with every squeal, cry or step out of turn. Others held in frustrations.
As I observed this group of women and their kiddos, something in me started to stir. I felt an unrest as I noticed quick glances and quiet moments. Was it comparison? Insecurity? Embarrassment?
Something was keeping us from connecting. While it was obvious that we had an abundance of commonality, we all remained oddly withheld and independent.
If the clock hadn’t been our signal to move on to our next to-do, I think my mouth would have opened widely to yell…
“HEY MOMMAS! WE’RE ALL ON THE SAME TEAM!”
Do you feel that way? Do you feel like you’re on the same team as all the moms around you?
We talk about having a tribe and a close group of mom friends who we connect with, knowing that we have each others’ backs always and all ways. But what if we viewed all moms as our teammates?
Goodbye competition. Hello teamwork.
Goodbye mom-shaming. Hello genuine encouragement.
Goodbye comparison. Hello community.
Goodbye inadequacy. Hello joy.
What holds us back? We feel certain that our situation is far worse than that other mom and there’s no way she’d ever understand. Or we’re soooooo embarrassed by the thoughts that run through our heads that we can never open up about our struggle. And, we decide that we’re better off figuring it out on our own because there’s no way anyone has more experience or ability than we do. If she helps me, then she’s the better mom.
I have news for you, and you’re probably not going to like it.
You’re not that unique.
The struggles we face as a result of society and the enemy are not unique to us. Quite frankly, I don’t believe the enemy is that creative. He has his set of junk that he cycles through and tries to make us think “we’re the only one”.
Anxiety. Addiction. Doubt. Fear. Exhaustion. Name any struggle and there is another person in your sphere of influence facing the same opposition.
I think if we all sat down to chat and kept going through the layers of motherhood, we’d realize we all have the same goal: We strive to raise kind, compassionate kids who will rise up to be influential and contributing members of their generation. Am I right?
We should yearn for our fellow moms to excel by leaps and bounds – they are raising our children’s peer sphere!
But this goal gets covered up with our struggles and all the things that we face with our kids. We believe that we were dealt a different hand that can’t possibly relate to the Perfects next door.
When we see the underlying layer of our common purpose, it is so obvious that we need to stop playing against each other and join forces as a team.
Not from a place of parenting each other’s children (however it does take a village, but that topic is for a different day), but from a mindset that erases comparison, envy, pride and anything else that holds us back from true, honest community.
It doesn’t matter if you’re mom to 5 or mom to one. A SAHM, WAHM, full-time working mom, part-time joint custody mom, a step-mom or psuedo-mom. We are strong women who God has entrusted with the most important and humbling role – raising His kids.
Can you imagine the STRENGTH of linking arms with all the moms you know, standing together and saying “NO” to the pressures and lies of society? Our children would be raised differently. Our words would be different. We would feel free from comparison and mom-shaming would be eradicated.
I want to live in a world like that.
So where does it start?
With each of us. Let’s encourage one another in the ways we would want to be encouraged – not in the ways that make us look good and like we have it all together.
One time a fellow mom passed me at the grocery store as I struggled to push the cart, hold a baby, shop and look composed. She smiled and said “I remember those days – you’re doing a great job. He’s adorable.” That’s it!!! And it felt wonderful.
She didn’t say “Hey, I know this moment really really sucks and you’re obviously sweating from nerves and worn out arms, but…. Oh soak it in, honey! They just grow up so fast!” {Please note the exaggeration in the first part of that quote. Those kind of “enjoy it” statements just get me every time.}
The next time we start to judge the parents of the kid with the tablet – stop – we’re all just doing what we know to do in the moment. Instead of throwing glances to the toddler having a meltdown in the Target toy aisle, send up a prayer for that momma’s response. Or see a mom struggling to wrangle her kids in the car, don’t ask if she needs help (she’ll probably say no because we’re all so independent), just tell her you’ve been there and would be happy to return her cart for her. It will make her day to know she’s not the first mom to experience the struggle.
Y’all, I’ve been guilty of all this stuff. The snide thoughts, the gossip and full on certainty that no one “gets it.” And let me tell you, all of it leads nowhere good. You end up with walls, isolation and a rotten mood.
It’s up to us to view those moms at the playground as either opponents or teammates. And since it really is no fun to play by yourself, let’s rock this momma game together.
