Yes, we have eyes in the back of our heads. And of course, “momma knows best.” But, we are not omnipotent.
You are not a terrible mother.
Someone out there called herself a bad mom this week. Maybe out loud, maybe under her breath. Maybe those words were on repeat in her head as she just couldn’t figure out how to calm the crying.
We’ve all been there: that panic feeling of trying everything under the sun to make your child happy – all to no avail as the insistent crying and whining continues.
I had a moment like that last week. We had a full week of fun and play, new activities, a little bit later bedtime and I had a newfound JOY in being a mom. I was on a high!
Then we hit a low.
Our weekly session with the speech advocate turned into an absolute, inconsolable meltdown. By the end of our meeting, we had 3 bowls of snack options, 2 plates of heated up food plus all the cups scattered around the kitchen. I had tried standing and bouncing, sitting and swaying, dancing, jumping, playing and singing. I tried our usual cues “Can you use a sign?” “Will you point to what you need?” “Take mommy’s hand and show me what you would like.” Nothing worked and the frustration was rising in all of us.
As little man continued to cry and I met eyes with our sweet advocate, my mind started replaying the earlier parts of our day.
“This is all my fault. I should have skipped the grocery store to get him home sooner. I shouldn’t have painted while he ate lunch. Why didn’t I just hold him through his nap. This is all my fault.”
I defaulted to the blame game, blaming myself for the meltdown and inability to “fix” it.
Why do we do that? Whenever things don’t go according to plan and we aren’t able to get them back on track, we blame ourselves – and mutter those words “I’m a terrible mother.”
But you know what? It’s just not true. While we know our kids better than anyone else on the planet, sometimes moments just happen. We are not omnipotent. Kids are kids, not machines. The unexpected can occur despite our best efforts. It’s just part of this parenting gig.
While there are tools and suggestions for working through these moments and helping to prevent them (praise the Lord!), the most important tool is our own mindset.
Being a momma can be hard. There’s no guidebook and the job brings something new every day. You have to fight for your kids and their future. And you have to constantly tear down walls of parenting insecurity to let others in who have walked your path.
I felt like my parenting was on display as our massive meltdown happened in front of a professional who has only known our family for a short time. It was easy to feel embarrassed and responsible. But luckily I remembered a conversation with a dear friend who has been in our shoes. “It happens to all of us and you know they see it all the time. You aren’t doing anything wrong.”
When moments happen, don’t let your first response be “I’m a terrible mother.” Tell yourself you’re a good mom, because you are.
You care enough about your little one to put yourself in a vulnerable situation by asking for help and advice. You care enough to tell them “no” for their protection. You care enough to read the articles and learn the tools when there are new episodes of Real Housewives that need watched. And you care enough to rearrange your schedule to accommodate doctors appointments and therapy sessions that are setting them up for success.
I’m realizing every day that it’s not a matter of if we’ll have more moments like the one last week. And, it’s not really a matter of knowing the solution or forming a calming strategy. It’s more about what happens in our heads.
So the next time you’re at a loss for how to calm the crying, say one (or all!) of these phrases.
4 Things to Say Instead of “I’m a terrible mom.”
- “Please, God.” Pray first. We can put the fastest race cars to shame – going from 0 to 100 in less than 2 seconds. I’m trying to make prayer my natural response when the frustration rises and patience fades. No matter how small or simple, I know that “Please, God,” centers my mind in the right place and keeps me from reacting in a way I may regret.
- “It’s just a day.” Just like we have bad days, our kiddos have bad days. It’s just a day, it’s just a moment. No need to scrap your entire parenting strategy and start from square one.
- “Who can speak life into this?” It happens to all of us! Grab a friend who can talk you through it, share a similar story, and maybe help you find a little laugh in it. We have to open ourselves up to let the encouragement flow in.
- “I am a good mom.” Just say it! Now is the hardest time to say it and believe it – so say it! You are doing a great job.
You are not a terrible mother.
You are a good mom. You are actually the best mom for them – no one is more suited for the job than you!
